5. Workers with relational capability
Just talking? How relationships disrupt social disadvantage
Our partner organisations were chosen because they put relationships at the heart of their practice models. But not every worker had the capability to facilitate the process of change just described. What was different about those who seem to excel at relationships and create the potential to transform the lives of those facing the greatest challenges in life?
We begin by going back to the themes described at the opening, from our view from the outside looking in.
These behaviours are, as far as we can gauge from our data, routine aspects of a relationship between helper and helped. When we look at the workers who excel in these relationships we see four sensibilities that appear to make the difference between paying attention and really, intently listening, or between revealing something about themselves and being naturally open without crossing boundaries that might compromise the quality of the bond.
Had we tried to come up with a list of sensibilities before undertaking this research we would not have included the first. It is optimism, the ability to focus on the most hopeful aspects of any situation. Workers with relational capability believe that almost everyone is capable of change, and that almost everyone is capable of good. Psychologists talk about “fundamental attribution error,” the tendency to assume that other people’s behaviour is driven primarily by their internal characteristics rather than the circumstances in which they find themselves. The best workers we talked to in detail do this. Instead, as one of the organisational leaders put it, they begin with the assumption that those facing huge challenges in life, including those who have committed serious crimes or neglected their children are “good people in bad situations.”
A second sensibility is emotional maturity. How to define that? Many organisational leaders, cognisant that they had workers with what we are calling relational capability, would say they are ‘comfortable in the own skin’. The workers, almost by definition, do not define themselves, but they are prone to frequent use of the phrase “it’s not about me”.
It’s never about me. That’s the other thing. It was just really hard for me, personally, because I’m sensitive. (Worker, US)
You know, to be able to really sort of engage with the people …. You’ve got to know who you are yourself. It can be a very difficult job … but if you are sitting okay {with yourself} …. I think you bring a lot of who you are to this kind of work. (Worker, UK)
We can place under this heading a number of ways workers with relational capability think about the people they support. They see the helped as responsible for their own lives. The workers seldom think about their own role in the progress made, it is all about the other. They are close to the person they help but they also maintain some distance: there are times when they make themselves unavailable, there are aspects of their private life that they keep locked away, and there are components of the other’s life that they know not to explore.
The third sensibility is tenacity. These workers do not give up. It is not uncommon for the helped to back away for periods, to fail to get in touch. They might be lost in a world of drugs or alcohol. They might be in locked up in a secure hospital or a prison. They might simply be hiding, lost in their shame. But the worker keeps looking for them, asking how they are doing, offering opportunities. Under this heading we can add attributes like adaptability, curiosity, and ambiguity, an aversion to seeing the world in terms of black or white.
The final sensibility is passion. Having relational capability means eating, sleeping and drinking the work. The workers are continually thinking about those they support.
Where do these behaviours and sensibilities come from? To some extent they are akin to character traits. We all know family or friends who we perceive to be naturally passionate about others, persistent, self-effacing, and emotional mature.
It does seem likely, from our evidence at least, that relational capability is something a worker either has or doesn’t have, that it cannot be taught. (As with all the findings in this report, this statement should be read as a hypothesis to be tested). The origins of the capability, however, are not clear, although the interviews suggested several candidates.
Life experience matters. The childhood of the worker, their adult family life, their experience of being with people who face unusual amounts of adversity, their own experience of managing disadvantage clearly shape the way they approach the world and their work. This experience shapes not only the ability to relate to people whose natural inclination is to hide away, but also the worker’s relationship to him or herself, the sense of comfort in their own skin, and their curiosity in finding out more about themselves and the world.
But if we were to make a bet, we would say that the very best workers can form a relationship with anybody, regardless of their characteristics or background.
The work context also matters. Most workers with relational capability are seeking opportunities to work in a stable environment that promotes autonomy. Relational capability may be something a worker either has or doesn’t have, nonetheless they value training that boosts their proficiency. Being alongside others who are also skilled at building relationships is also valued. We hypothesise here that relationships between those with relational capability, including the mentoring of a new worker by an old worker, is, in this context, a more effective mechanism of skill development than formal supervision and appraisal techniques.
One more hypothesis
We finish this section with one more idea. One way of looking at this work is to imagine a worker with relational capability able to forge a bond with anybody. Another is to see the strength of the relationship as a function of shared characteristics -age, gender, class or ethnicity- or experience -dysfunctional family background, being brought up in a similar neighbourhood. Our data only takes us so far in pulling these possibilities apart. But if we were to make a bet, we would say that the very best workers can form a relationship with anybody, regardless of their characteristics or background. Nonetheless, the bond is dependent on some emotional connection between helper and helped, a bond apparent in the first few hours of their meeting.
Want to keep up with the R Word? Subscribe to our mailing list here. Learn more about how this conversation started here.